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imkabob
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Name: Jessica
Country: United States
State: California
Birthday: 2/18/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: watching sports on tv, writing, trying to play guitar, doing different renditions of the sound of music by genre (it's REALLY scary=), listening to good music, dancing, getting to know new ppl, doodling in class, enjoying God's creation, etc etc...so many enjoyable things out there that i have yet to discover!
Expertise: being corny, laughing, being a klutz, acting like a crazy weirdo...
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
3/6/2003
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| haha, looking back at old entries is funny...ive changed so much, yet im still very much the same...i cringe but i also smile....here's an interesting conversation i had about a dream i had about prom...it's rather silly but also gives a lot of insight into me:
ch e R R y 2 4 4: it was weird
LiLBobDoG2: AHAHAHA
ch e R R y 2 4 4: and ppl were sneaking out
ch e R R y 2 4 4: and like ppl were getting caught
ch e R R y 2 4 4: it was madness
ch e R R y 2 4 4: like i think mrs lemons got me
ch e R R y 2 4 4: and like flipped me upside down
ch e R R y 2 4 4: and then i ran like crazy
ch e R R y 2 4 4: and swam thru a river
LiLBobDoG2: AHAHAAHAHAHA
ch e R R y 2 4 4: and then somehow it was ducks swimming
LiLBobDoG2: u are such a freak
ch e R R y 2 4 4: i have running away dreams a lot i think
ch e R R y 2 4 4: like where i run indefinitely
ch e R R y 2 4 4: weird
ch e R R y 2 4 4: im a psycho
LiLBobDoG2: u are
ch e R R y 2 4 4: thats why u love me
LiLBobDoG2: yup
LiLBobDoG2: it wouldn't be the same if you were normal
i miss u, christine!
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| hi, guys! mmm so i didnt really think many ppl would still read this lil' online journal of mine. but yeah, if you did and are worried about me, i just wanna assure u that things are looking way up...i tend to have emo moments a lot, and this one happened to be recorded in the annals of xanga for the world to see. perhaps i will share more details later, but i believe that He is slowly capturing my heart for reals...step by step, day by day, though i keep failing Him and falling every day...thank God He is faithful to the end.
I leave you with one of my favorite psalms (27), which expresses how i feel:
1The LORD is my light and my salvation;
whom shall I fear?
The LORD is the stronghold[a] of my life;
of whom shall I be afraid? 2When evildoers assail me
to eat up my flesh,
my adversaries and foes,
it is they who stumble and fall. 3Though an army encamp against me,
my heart shall not fear;
though war arise against me,
yet[b] I will be confident. 4One thing have I asked of the LORD,
that will I seek after:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to inquire[c] in his temple. 5For he will hide me in his shelter
in the day of trouble;
he will conceal me under the cover of his tent;
he will lift me high upon a rock. 6And now my head shall be lifted up
above my enemies all around me,
and I will offer in his tent
sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing and make melody to the LORD. 7Hear, O LORD, when I cry aloud;
be gracious to me and answer me!
8You have said, "Seek[d] my face."
My heart says to you,
"Your face, LORD, do I seek."[e]
9Hide not your face from me.
Turn not your servant away in anger,
O you who have been my help.
Cast me not off; forsake me not,
O God of my salvation!
10For my father and my mother have forsaken me,
but the LORD will take me in. 11Teach me your way, O LORD,
and lead me on a level path
because of my enemies.
12Give me not up to the will of my adversaries;
for false witnesses have risen against me,
and they breathe out violence. 13I believe[f] that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD
in the land of the living!
14Wait for the LORD;
be strong, and let your heart take courage;
wait for the LORD!
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| Have you ever spent your precious time and energy striving, like a horse trying to catch the proverbial carrot, only to realize that it's just a freaking carrot and why would you want a carrot anyways when you could have a steak? In my 22 years, I have chased many carrots and it's crazy how long it took me to realize that I DESERVE BETTER THAN A CARROT! I don't even like carrots, for goodness sake!
DISCLAIMER: You might not be used to the language I use in this entry, but I am just trying to bet true to the emotions I have been feeling and to censor my journal would be a farce. (Yes, I do get angry and I do cuss.) So this is an excerpt from my journal entry from today:
"I DO deserve better. I’m freaking sick of all this baggage I’m
always carrying around. I’m sick of
always being down on myself and feeling like a failure, feeling not good
enough, feeling ugly, hating myself. Why
do I subject myself to this crap?
...
I have a lot of anger inside and was cussing a lot in the
car. FUCK. It looks so ugly in writing, but it’s how I feel. And, being the psychoanalyst I think I am, I know
that that means I have a lot of pain cuz anger is a response to pain. [removed section] And yet, I think
that if anything, this anger/pain shows me that I have still yet to grasp and
be healed by the deep revelation of God’s love for me. I need the revelation of the bridegroom
God! That seems to be a recurring theme
this summer. But what kind of love is
this? I can’t attain it by striving or
putting on makeup or straightening my hair.
Twice in the past two days the Cross has made me cry. I don’t know how to describe the feeling, but
it was a mixture of emotions. Pain mixed
with unworthiness mixed with awe?
Iono. Maybe even feeling that I can’t
grasp/understand and accept that kind of free love…like it’s too good for me…shit,
I have issues. That seems to be the root
of a lot of my problems—feeling unworthy of a love, grace, mercy that my Savior
died to freely give me. Trying to earn
and make myself worthy of what’s already mine in Christ. Jesus, get it through my thick head! Speak truth into my darkened mind! Transform me by the renewing of that mind. I guess you gotta get naked before you can be
clothed. I wanna be clothed with the
knowledge and assurance and security of God’s love and my identity in light of
that. This is the beginning of a summer
of learning what it means to be truly and perfectly loved, with a love that
casts out fear—fear of failure and rejection.
No man can touch/shake a daughter and bride that is clothed with that
perfect love. Not just clothed but
immersed, soaked, drenched, filled through and through 50 times over…Do it,
Holy Spirit!"
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| So I've been thinking about reviving this xanga thing lately. But I don't know if I trust myself...writing means so much to me, and yet I find that many times what I feel is beyond words....and I find myself striving to be understood...striving for my words to impact someone out there. How can I be real and reflect on my life without becoming self-absorbed?
I feel that I have a lot to say, but I'm not sure how much I should say. Cuz, honestly, I usually say too much. I try to control too much. I'm learning how to wait on God...to trust Him to do the talking...God, if You want me to revive this thing, You have to be my inspiration. You be the writer. I don't want to write for my own glory anymore, Lord. Take my writing from me. Make it Your vessel.
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| Pure Dork
43 % Nerd, 26% Geek, 56% Dork | For The Record:
A Nerd is someone who is passionate about learning/being smart/academia.
A Geek is someone who is passionate about some particular area or subject, often an obscure or difficult one.
A Dork is someone who has difficulty with common social expectations/interactions.
You scored better than half in Dork, earning you the title of: Pure Dork. Like our friends Napoleon Dynamite & co.
It's not as though you were some whiz-kid in school. Oh, sure, you probably did okay in some classes, but were probably awful in others. Certainly most people thought you were smarter than you thought yourself to be. And it's not that you have some overriding passion, like computers or Star Trek that sets you apart for the crowd, though you likely share some interest in some of those sorts of things. You just like to be yourself, and want to express yourself for who you are.
And, really, there's nothing wrong with that. Being who you are often invites scorn, and so it's a difficult thing in a world that rewards conformity. Be proud of your dorkiness, for often it's just another word for individuality. (I'd vote for you!)
Congratulations!
Thanks Again! -- THE NERD? GEEK? OR DORK? TEST | | |
My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: | You scored higher than 99% on nerdiness | | You scored higher than 99% on geekosity | | You scored higher than 99% on dork points |
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